


the first step to serendipity

by sagexx



Series: what do the stars know? [2]
Category: GOT7
Genre: 2jae if you squint, Addiction, Angst, Attachment, Heavy Angst, I am so sorry for this, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, No Fluff, Smoking, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, ill-fated au, much sads
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-07
Updated: 2017-10-07
Packaged: 2019-01-10 00:15:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12287214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sagexx/pseuds/sagexx
Summary: In which Jaebum was in need of serendipity, but didn’t know it yet.





	the first step to serendipity

**Author's Note:**

> a couple notes- please don't read this unless you've read part one, ill-fated. it'll save you a lot of confusion, because even though this is jaebum before part one, it has a lot of references and spoilers and stuff that you might not get!
> 
> otherwise, enjoy~ 
> 
> (i mean, this is like pure angst but u get what i mean ;-;)

The sun was scorching that day. It did its job too well, saturating the sky into a bleach white brightness and wilting everything that dared to traipse out of the shade. There was nothing alive that was stupid enough to stay outside- except for the wilting field behind him, the few cars in front of him, and maybe him and Jackson. They sat on a top of a bench that overlooked over the school’s parking lot. Neither would admit it, but they were melting. 

Awash with pounds of heavy sunlight, the air around them seemed to sway with pure heat, yet he felt no urge to take any steps forward. Even the cars had found shade somewhere- the lot was practically empty, just a car here and there, and without the usual hulks of metal, hints of greenery were seen between the rough and dusty gravel. Jaebum found his gaze focused on them. It was curious, how something so small could survive in such horrid conditions. Not even the field out back was faring well. It was all yellow grass, dirt-paths, and small, wimpy trees. Jaebum did his best to avoid the area all together. The biggest path, especially. It was his old gang’s haunt, and it led to the shed- the one still marinated in his worst memories. 

It reminded him of the desert. If he lost his train of thought well enough, the heat smelled like the dust in his face, that day he broke his arm. The cast’s been off for a year now, but he still felt stiff, somehow. He didn’t like to think of it too much. If you’d ask him, he’d say he’d always had bad luck, no point in whining about it. In the privacy of his own mind, he still did.

And right now, despite Jackson’s company, he considered himself to be in the privacy of his own mind. So he let himself wander. And this is what he found: 

Sometimes he craved a different sun. A paler sun, a calmer sun. One that let things live and grow, where it’d rain, too, and the ground wasn’t so dry and cracked. Jaebum felt a touch of guilt thinking of it. Things could still live in deserts. He gazed at those small, gravel-growing plants and his heart panged again. He should be like that. 

And he _was _like that, he reminded himself. He didn’t need water. He needed Jackson. So they were having an off day. It didn’t matter, they had off days all the time.  
Jackson was good at hiding it. Jaebum wanted to be good at hiding it. Whenever he looked over, Jackson looked cool, collected, but the slight shine on his forehead gave him away. Jaebum tried to mirror him. He did his best, but his sweat gave him away. There was no way he could hide it- a thick leather jacket and a pair of combat boots was not a good combination in the summer time, but he didn’t care. He could be good at pretending too. __

__This suffocating heat reminded him of Jackson, in a way. His smile was like the sun and he wanted all of it- Jaebum frowned. The analogy was off. If he had the entire sun he’d die. He really needed to work on his similes._ _

__Jaebum decided not to dwell too long in his head anymore. It always brought him to places he didn’t want to go. So he sat, side by side with Jackson, and avoided talking about what was in his head. Jackson did the same._ _

__Jaebum loved and hated it- he ached for Jackson, but he also ached for walls, and a wall between them was just what he needed. In a way, Jackson was the sun, but not in the way he wanted him to be- he was too bright, too scorching on days like these. Although he’d never admit it out loud, he wanted something paler, something calmer. For now, he just wandered the desert in his mind. He couldn't imagine an exit. All desert, just desert. No way out. No water. He supposed it was alright, for now. He wasn't quite thirsty yet._ _

__“Can’t wait to get out of this hell hole,” he said, an arm behind his head._ _

__“Yeah,” Jackson quietly agreed. His sad eyes dropped away from Jaebum._ _

__~~~_ _

__So they were having an off day, Jaebum thought as he watched Jackson talk to a blonde boy. So what, he was starting to get friendly with his old gang? So what? It didn’t matter. He was too skinny and too tall and Jaebum could knock him down in a second if he wanted too. And boy did he want to._ _

__The flirtatious lilt of Jackson’s voice, the way he curved himself- towards him, away from Jaebum- it made his fists clench. Maybe he did have a bit of good luck, because just then, Jackson left- and when he did, the blonde boy met his eyes. He quirked his head, smiled, then lifted a joint to his lips._ _

__Jaebum smiled back weakly. Something in him withered- his anger. Maybe Jackson saw him in other people- he wished he saw him in other people. Mostly, he wished he saw him at all. Sometimes, he felt that Jackson forgot who he used to be. He relished it but he rejected it, too, because what was the point of having a weakness if that weakness forgot what it was there to heal? The dilemma made his lungs itch._ _

__This will be the last time, he told himself, dipping behind the building with a pack of cigarettes. Last time for sure, he thought, exhaling a mouthful of smoke that he was sure would kill him one day. But the way the smoke drifted was mesmerizing- the way it curled and disappeared out of reach, free of any struggles that might’ve held it back. Before he knew it, he was taking another puff, and another, until the school’s bell brought him back to reality. Jaebum stomped his cigarette into the rough gravel._ _

__Lungs itching, he went to class, thinking of a world without the desert, without any cracks in the ground._ _

__~~~_ _

__After school, he met up with Jackson by his locker, but they were having an off day again and Jaebum shouldn’t have._ _

__“Bummie, I can smell the smoke on you from the other half of the school. How many times do I have to tell you to lay off of those?”_ _

__Jaebum thought he’d look happy to see him but he looked angry and irritated instead._ _

__“A lot, I believe.” He just shrugged._ _

__Jackson groaned._ _

__“I’m sorry!" Jaebum put his hands up. "I can’t help it, I just get this itch and I gotta-"_ _

__"You don't gotta. You’re a stubborn ass, you know that?"_ _

__Jaebum grumbled. There’d been a time when he was much worse. He’d smoke more than he would breathe and there’d constantly be a cloud of cigarette smoke around him, a constant itch in his lung. No one went by him except for Jackson. He’d never yell, never scold- he’d take them from his hand and kiss the itches away. Now, he only itched sometimes, but he couldn’t help feeling like he’d been better off then, with a constant physical reminder of his past. It was toxic and horrible, but it’d been in front of him, not hidden deep in his head._ _

__"Yeah, whatever. That was my last cigarette anyways, you don't have to worry,” he lied. It made him feel like they knew each other too well, now. Would his relationships only work if he wasn’t himself? "So," Jaebum changed the topic, all mock nonchalance and no subtleties. "Who was that blonde you were talking to earlier?"_ _

__"Who?" Jackson feigned ignorance, in that innocent eye look of his, tilting his head. Maybe Jackson thought the same way._ _

__"Don’t be getting jealous again, you know I only have eyes for you," he fluttered his lashes, slipping closer to run a finger down his chest. Jaebum smelled bullshit. But that was his own fault, he supposed. He shouldn’t have questioned it. The thought made him curl in self-hatred. He just wanted the sun, how Jackson used to be. So he grinned a large, fake grin and leaned in close._ _

__Their kisses didn’t mean what he wanted them to mean._ _

__~~~_ _

__The next day, he saw him with the blonde boy again. His name was Mark, but he didn’t hear it from him- he made it out from the way Jackson’s lips curved and the loud words that came from his mouth. Even in the middle of the hallway, the walls couldn’t contain Jackson’s presence. He wondered how long you needed to know someone to know the dullness in their eyes as well as the shine. He hadn’t seen the shine in a while. Sometimes, he thought that there was such thing as getting to know someone too well._ _

__~~~_ _

__Jaebum was wandering. After years of being the most pathetic versions of himself, he enjoyed the way everyone looked up at him and scrambled out of the way, like skittering mice. Most avoided eye contact- who wouldn’t, when he was all dark and brooding and crossed arms?- but a fluffy-haired boy with youthful eyes met his eyes and kept them there- staring right through him like he knew what he was all about._ _

__It unsettled him, made his walls feel faker, but Jaebum shook it off. Just a freshman, judging by those innocent looking eyes. He thought about them a couple more times but he never dwelled on them afterwards. After all, he’d built himself fake walls and that was all he was anymore. He didn’t care if they’d ever topple, he'd _never_ topple- he was made of those walls. (He ignored the cracks. He needed desperately for the cracks not to be there.)_ _

__He had Jackson for that. An empty trophy, but it still glittered if it hit a certain angle in the light and that was all Jaebum was looking for._ _

__~~~_ _

__Sometimes at night, he curled up with his blankets and rejuvenated in the lack of sunlight. The stars were just the right amount of pale, the perfect amount of calm. The desert was always bearable at night._ _

__~~~_ _

__Summer was a bitch. He supposed it was alright, he was bad and buff and those boys didn't touch him again. He wasn't going to give them a reason to. It sounded like cowardice, but it was just strategic nonchalance. Uncaringness. Apathy. He didn't care anymore. Didn’t, didn't, didn't. Everything was okay and he had a big leather jacket to hide underneath for security and nobody knew it. Everything was okay now._ _

__He was sick of everyone and everyone was sick of him too. Oh well. Oh well. Oh well. Things just happened, Jaebum mused. They happened and he couldn't do anything but take control. And he did. Jackson was his, and Jackson wasn't going anywhere, the slippery bastard. Somehow, that freshman’s gaze looked just like Jackson’s when he lied, but sweeter._ _

__~~~_ _

__At the end of the day, Jackson still came back to him. He stopped flirting with the blonde to sit next to Jaebum, thighs touching and hands brushing. At the end of the day, he was the one who knew Jackson best- no one else knew how he looked when he cried, or the way his eyes smile when you complimented him on just the right things. No one knew how to handle him the way he knew how to._ _

__Still, his chest ached._ _

__So, so thirsty._ _

__Maybe this was the best in life he was ever going to get. Oh well. Oh well. They used to be the best and he could pretend they still were._ _

__Whenever he tried to shoo Jackson from his thoughts, he thought more about the times he’d had his arm around his shoulders. About the times where everything was so small but it was alright, with Jackson by his side. In a sense, he was the only one connected to his past, before he turned into another person- a bigger, stronger, better person. In another sense, they were both too big now. He wondered if it were possible to outgrow memories. He wondered if it were possible to dive into them again._ _

__He was so thirsty._ _

__Jaebum wanted water. But Jackson wasn’t water- he was the sun. And in the dry deserts it was just about unbearable. He could ignore it for now._ _

__~~~_ _

__Sometimes, Jackson would smile at him just the way he used to- eyes sparkling and meaning _something _, and all his doubts would disappear.___ _

**Author's Note:**

> hi hi i missed posting for ill-fated and i've promised these little one-shots for a while now, so i thought i'd get on those!
> 
> i've had this as a rough draft for a while, but i only had enough inspiration to fix it up now, but i'm glad i did bc i like the way it turned out! i'll probably come back to edit again in case i have any spelling mistakes or awkward sentences, though. this is very raw and scattered, and i considered editing that out but i thought it'd suit jaebum's turbulent sort of state of mind in this. this whole au is just a huge metaphor made of tiny lil metaphors and symbolism, jesus. 
> 
> the next lil one shot i believe is gonna be about youngjae's high school days, because i wanted to bring light to his past, too!
> 
> also also i've wanted to say how overwhelmed i've been that people are still reading and enjoying ill-fated? when i get comments i get so happy that i don't even know how to reply to them, but i do read them and i love every single one of them! its the weirdest but greatest feeling that ive wrote something that others enjoy. when i got the sudden idea to write ill-fated i had no idea it would turn out like this. (did i say that before? probably, but i can't help but say it a million times)
> 
> thanks so much!!


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